Were there signs??

I have asked myself the question of how I could have missed all the signs.  Were there that many signs???  did I just not pay attention???  Nothing really seemed so abnormal with Kate's behavior except she developed some friendships with kids that I had never seen before - or heard their names.  This was after she returned home from year one at college.  A couple of other things that didn't seem just right while still in Hawaii...she all of a sudden hated the dance program, the coach, Hawaii and didn't want to try out for team.  I encouraged her to do so - it was a good scholarship and the initial plan was to stay there for 2  years, get general ed requirements met and then perhaps look for a different school if dental hygiene was still the desired course of study.  She seemed angry but said she would.  She went to the tryouts and was accepted to the team, but no scholarship for lack of performance.  Shocked.  This was not really believable because this kid danced well - better than some on the team that got full scholarships.  Something wasn't right.  I told  her I thought she didn't perform well on purpose because she wanted to leave Hawaii.  She really didn't deny that.   In the meantime she was contacted by another college and decided that was where she wanted to go...Idaho State in Pocatello.  Certainly closer, but a long drive all the same.  She seemed to get really excited about the opportunity there and there were some scholarship money for her.  Done deal.  She would go there and they had a great dental hygiene program as well! 
While in Hawaii there were some instances of needing money beyond her allowance, but nothing big.  One time I questioned a new expensive handbag she was sporting.  She said she had gotten the refund from the cable company and used that money for it.  I challenged that saying that we had paid that and she should have returned the money to us.  "sorry".  That word would become grossly overused during the next few years.  Then when she returned from Hawaii there was the question of what happened to the deposit for the housing.  She swore she didn't get it.  A couple of months passed with numerous calls to housing department and finally they sent a copy of the cancelled check  which was made out to Kate.  She had cashed it.  She still denied it.  I thought this was incredible; how would you not know that you cashed a $500 check.  Are you kidding.  No question I asked was answered with a comment that made good sense.  I think this is when I first started thinking something is wrong, but what...
She started dating a kid I had never seen or known of.  Certainly not from the high school "circle of friends".  She was angry a lot; he looked stoned a lot.  I commented on that.  That made her more angry.
We encouraged her to get a job - which she did. In fact she had a couple of jobs but one ended, seemingly because the other became full time.  I know she was having some issues with migraines at this time and missed work from the part time one.  Maybe she was just worked off the schedule because there didn't seem like a clear end to that job.  She continued to see this same guy and occasionally would stay at this parents.  She resented me calling her to see where she was; what was going on.  I started looking for drug paraphernalia in the house but didn't find anything. 
Then sometime in late July I went into my room to get my wedding ring out of it's box and it wasn't there.  That was odd because I didn't remember leaving it out.  I had specific places that I put my rings.  I looked further and another heirloom platinum ring was missing.  I got this empty, gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and felt violated.  Someone had taken my rings.  I asked her.  She denied it.  I asked her if her  boyfriend had taken them.  She got this strange, almost blanched look on her face and said no.  I thought she new something, but couldn't prove it.  Over the next few weeks, I would go through the jewelry boxes and look again and again for the rings.  I felt betrayed.  Material things or not; my wedding ring set was meaningful to me and I wanted it.  I couldn't pin this on anyone and even started doubting that I had put the rings away.  Then I questioned if it were someone else.  We did a lot of entertaining over the summer and there were friends around a lot.  None of it made sense but I kept going back to the missing deposits, now the rings...And she was working full time....not saving any money to live on for school in the fall.  Where did the money she earned go?  She partied a lot...the boy friend faded away mid July.  In fact I think she had broken things off with him a couple of weeks before I found the rings missing.
During the summer she complained about the abdominal cramping and pain, but didn't seem to be going to the ER's or physician offices, so I assumed it was manageable.   She didn't seem to be taking an extraordinary amount of analgesics, so I thought this may have actually improved with the lap she done in Hawaii.
Early in August she moved to southern Idaho.  We had bought a little rental house there for her to live in which seemed like a smart financial decision.  She loved the house and we had a great time decorating it and setting up her new living space.  She seemed really excited to dance there and to go to school there.  She seemed happy and motivated.  Maybe this was going to be just what she needed.

Hind Sight is 20/20

Hind sight is 20/20.  I have gone through all this in my mind time and time again; how a beautiful girl got some involved with drugs that it took something beyond a parental control to stop the insanity.  This is the first part of the story with the health issues and how I saw things unfold.  Looking back...
 If I look back  to when Kate was about 17, I remember a girl having unusually severe gynecological issues with  bad cramps and irregular periods.  I used to think it was sort of like her paternal aunt and all the issues she had plus an ovarian cyst rupture and a more.  Kate's medical history was almost a mirror image of what her aunt had to deal with at a similar age.  A lot of this we blamed on her regimented, serious dance training schedule.  She danced 6 days a week; several hours each day and had done that really since the beginning of high school.  She was part of competitive dance teams that competed nationally plus a high school team and studio work.  And then there was track in  the fall and spring; she liked running distance events.  It seemed like a lot of what she liked to do and did exacerbated the problem.  She didn't have any surgical procedures until her first year in college.  That was the first laproscopic procedure; without family, in Hawaii...a month before college nationals.  How do  you get though the pain of surgery, endometreosis and ovarian cysts -- opiates.   That was the beginning of the serious "legal" drugs.  She was always in pain.  I remember telling her to be careful with the pain meds; the more you take the harder it becomes to control the pain.  Seemingly she was not always taking them; but then I didn't always ask. 
Stepping back, I would like to say I wish I would have guided her differently....one day we were sitting in Starbucks at the beginning of her senior year of high school and I brought up college and asked where she wanted to go...it was getting a little late in the game for picking a place.  Kate looked at me and started crying and said "I don't think I want to leave...I will miss things...I will miss my bed!"  I was sort of dumbfounded...she had, for 2 years talked about  of dancing in college and wanted to be a dental hygienist.  Staying at home was not an option for that combination.  So in that 2 year time we pulled lists of schools that offered both dance team and dental programs, and seemed to have the list narrowed down and she was beginning the application process to some of the schools.  So the comments about not really wanting to move were shocking.    We then had several more conversations about school and seemed to decide that she would do first and maybe second year at the community college locally.  There was a dance team - not the caliber of her current All Star team but still a dance team and I think she saw it as a challenge to help raise the bar a little.  Then near the end of her senior year she got a call from her All Star coach telling her one of the universities in Hawaii had two spots come available on their dance team and they offered a full ride scholarship.  She encourage Kate and Kate got caught up in the idea.  She was accepted from a video try out and seemed really excited to go.  She knew several people on the team and a fellow graduate was also accepted for the second spot.  Seemed OK.  Kate seemed excited.  She and I went to Hawaii  and spend a couple of weeks before school started and got her set up in her student housing and it seemed ok.  Lots of changes however, from living in a small NW town to living in Honolulu with only public transportation and limited funds, plus the newness of college and then being ill.  I visited a couple of times and she seemed fine, but I thought a couple of things she did now and then were odd behaviours...nothing I could really put my finger on, but  hard drug use was not on my radar.  There were a couple of "shock factor" rites of passage  like coming home at Christmas with nearly black hair (from the beautifully blonde), a nose piercing and large tattoo (however tastefully done).  Leaving to go back after the holiday break was  a very emotional event and I didn't think she really wanted to go back...like something wasn't right, perhaps.  I didn't know if was just because she had a lot of "fun" over the break with lots of parties and family and alcohol and ??? or if there was something else.  Some incidents were discussed relating to drugs that disturbed her.  She told me about a fellow dance team remember doing a line of coke in front of her and it seemed so upsetting to her, along with the suspicion that this person stole some things from her.  We didn't really talk much about that after the incident so I assumed that she wasn't doing "that sort" of drug.    Was Kate drinking?  Yes.  Did I suspect is was excessive?  No.  I later found out I was wrong.  It was a way of life for some of the team....for Kate...(from a Mom's perspective; reflections)

Breaking Into Pieces

Heroin was my love and my life, then reality slapped me in the face, which today I am absolutely grateful for. I have 61 days clean and let me tell you it was quite the roller coaster.  I took a felony for my actions and that day changed my life, all for the better!
An addicts brain remembers where it left off when sobriety began.  I will never forget that 20th day in May when the police came busting into the apartment where my supplier lived.  I never really hung out there often I usually just got my stuff and took off.  But for some reason my higher power was sending me a sign. I wouldnt figure this out until I became sober.  Anyways I was so loaded and decide to stay for a bit and then along came the raid as the three of us were completely nodding out on the couch. It still makes my stomach turn when I think about it, but that day saved my life.  Addiction is a powerful disease and it took me to a dark place for a long period of time, and the insanity of it all is that sometimes when I cant deal with life on life's terms I think about using, I guess that is just out of habit.  Its the whole process of it, preparing it and then finding a vein and watching the blood flow into the dark liquid in the syringe.  The rush of indescribable ecstasy and that right there is when my love affair with heroin began and game of pure Russian roulette.  Once the heroin would be totally injected it was only a few seconds that gives such exotic tingles and into a world of complete selfishness but an amazing feeling and that was that, I was hooked!  My body grabbed onto that delectable feeling and took over my life.
-This is Kate writing about my experience,strength and hope that maybe the still suffering addict can read and maybe it will be something that will hit home and encourage them to get help. have a good day, Kate

No Lies; Just Love

A few days after being the road to recovery Kate asked to get a new tatoo; something to remind her of the path now chosen. I hesitated at first basically because she wanted them on her wrists and I bring this up to her. “they are permanent”; “what if you work somewhere that tattoos aren’t allowed to shown”, etc. Finally, I get it. It’s part of the healing for her. They are small enough to be hidden by a long sleeved top or watch and bracelets. It’s nicely done.




Then she asked me to design a tatoo for her recovery. She wanted something to put on her leg, something with sparrows and cherry blossoms. I like tattoos; but once again, they are pretty permanent. But is it important for recovery. Seems to be for Kate. I design a groups of cherry blossom branches with blooms and buds and some sparrows flying amongst. It is “new beginnings”. I am an artist so liked rendering the design and it is a good looking tatoo! I am toying with the idea of a tatoo. There is some interesting body art out there, certainly. I like the artistic brightly colored ones. So who knows, maybe I will do one! It can be a s ymbol of success; the beginning of the recovery road; a reminder to not go back down a specific dark, painful path of the past…if it works and helps…perfect.



The next blog entry is going back several years to what I believe was the onset of addiction. Kate’s entries will be her own and her entries may not be the same time frame. She needs to write what’s on her mind at the time she sits down at the keyboard. She has started journaling her bio and will share on the blog…when it’s time.

a gift

Today is about being there for others. A 15-year-old brother of a friend is going to treatment because of Kate. She who has done so well in a short time of being sober is a role model for this boy. It's about her going with him and being there for him; she is giving and sharing. She needs that; he needs that. She gave him her NA book with inspirational quotes glued and written in some of the pages. Sober, she is the most giving individual; so considerate and caring of others. When she left with his family yesterday she gave me the book "Fall to Pieces" to read. Tucked inside was a note saying she loved me and to have a relaxing Saturday and see me when she got home. She hasn't done that sort of thing that used to come so natural to her before addiction. I am seeing a glimmer of the old Kate, the new Kate. She warns me the book is graphic; a story similar to hers and what she felt from the addiction standpoint. Depression makes it a rougher road to walk...but finally a couple of really caring physicians that understand and treat. That's part of the battle victory right there!




Each day a new quote with an inspirational message is posted on the refrigerator. I quickly do one that is in calligraphy; the next day hers is neatly printed on cardstock with embellishments! Wow! It is meaningful to her to step outside the proverbial box and create a cool quote. That makes me proud of her...seeing her take a task and make it her own; not take the shortest route and scribble something down on a scratch paper. We'll keep these; probably in her journal - a continual source of inspiration.

Today

Today is a victory over yourself of yesterday.




It’s all about taking one step at a time; always moving in a positive manner. You do what you have to do to stay on that path. And at the end of the day you can call it a victory…because it is.

write of way - our journey

welcome to our blog. It is about life, day to day issues, projects and more; our ramblings as we journey through time; looking back and dreaming forward. We are a Mom and a  daughter living life and sharing some of our “write of way”. I am an artist and my daughter a student on leave.  This is a blog about addiction; coping; recovery; treatment and everything in between.  It illustrates a time from 7  or so  years ago to present time -  with day to day challenges, hopes and dreams. It started out with health challenges that a young woman shouldn’t have had to deal with compounded with self medication and addiction. Writing is an aid to assist with her recovery and healing. Mine, as well. This is a journey…one or both of us may write on the blog any given day.